Am I Worth it??

So generally I love writing, especially when it needs that extra organisation of thoughts in order to understand my objectives and aspirations more clearly - but this time something’s wrong or to rephrase it – something doesn’t feel right. I have an annual review coming up in my office and I have to write just 200 words about some of the “exemplary” work I have done over the past year in my job; and every time I start to write about it, an anaesthetic sensation fills up my brain and my mind goes numb. No matter how hard I try to write about it I somehow don’t seem to go beyond the first sentence. And it’s not because I have nothing to write - the past year was so eventful for me. Primarily because it was like a new beginning where I struggled to get back on the career saddle trying to catch up with the pace I earlier had whilst constantly having to prove myself amongst all the Cambridge/ Imperial Engineers I now have to work with. Every now and then I had to rack my brains out to solve problems. I made a lot of mistakes in this process but there were also times when I felt proud of myself. It’s true - what doesn’t kill you makes you even stronger. As a result here I am a stronger confident person full of experiences to share. What then is holding me back?

I tried another way of looking at this task, a way I am good at - imagining myself in an interview – after all, it’s just like writing down what you would generally say in an interview. And those who know me know, that I am really good at communicating what I am capable of and what I want to achieve. I am also good at explaining my work but why then am I going blank this time. Let’s see, it says here in the form – “Accomplishments/examples/comments in not more than 200 words of exemplary work done in the past year”. Upon introspection, as always I think I have found the deep seeded cause of my apprehensions in penning down this short write-up. The problem lies within the word – exemplary - meaning something which is ideal, perfect, commendable, excellent and so on – not because there haven’t been times in the last year when I got opportunities to perform “exemplarily” but because I am not comfortable in accepting the fact that what I had done was exemplary.

From childhood we are never made to realise the worth of the work we are doing, we are always made to believe that whatever we do is less :) . Blame it to the rat race in India where fifty more stand when one falls or to the general perception of the society, but it’s true. A classic example of this is an incident that happened to me in school; it was so hurtful that it would be engraved in my mind forever. I was denied to recite a poem I wrote for the morning assembly as a tribute to my grandmother (she had recently passed away) on the grounds that "some" teacher in my school felt that I couldn’t have possibly written that. She told me on my face that I had fished this out from the internet. While I was honoured that she felt this way about my poem, I was terribly hurt that I wasn’t able to recite that one poem I had written for my grandma, out of all the bloody write-ups and poems I recited in morning assemblies, just because some woman thinks that I am not capable enough to write a decent poem (She was a substitute teacher who didn’t even know me! I so missed my real teacher at that time). Don’t get me wrong, my school days were awesome, I was the teacher’s pet and for most part of my school days I had held important positions of power (I took appropriate advantage of those positions ;)). I also had a wonderful childhood, probably an exceptional one. I was one of those lucky few in India who grew up surrounded by people who never for once made me realise the evils that existed beyond my cocooned world. I was loved and cared for. My parents were amazing to me when I was growing up. Frankly speaking I admire them to have handled me and raised me so well, even if it meant sometimes pushing me into things where I was trying to pull myself out of ;) ( Maths :) I always thought I was better off without it, now I am thankful to my parents for doing what they did). However, the rat race did catch up to my parents and before I knew it I was fighting for my place in school/ college and measuring my success with those of others. And unfortunately this was all happening to me at a subconscious level. I was unaware of the fight I had got into. Which meant rather than appreciating what I have achieved I was yearning the appreciation of the society for achieving something they couldn’t. Also the ungrateful hierarchical culture that is well embedded in the Indian system did not help – be it at an educational level or professional level.

No wonder even after working here for a year now, I am still adjusting to its ever appreciating atmosphere. You understand your worth when you work here. I mean how many times has your boss apologised to you when you had to work late? Or how many times has he thanked you for putting in extra effort in your work? For me it has happened more than once in a period of just 12 months. Maybe all these “sorries” and “thank you s” are just a veneer, but the bottom line is, it works – and it works both ways. So now, I guess the real question is- how can I erase all that scarring that has already been done and accept the fact that I am worth it?