I cannot write...

It is true, I cannot write. I used to write, when I was younger, full of life, had creative juices flowing through me, filled with all the excitement and enthusiasm that a young girl in her early twenties should have. But since then, post university and 4 years of marriage, I have changed. I have become wiser (a word we use to hint to the world that we have gone through more than what you think we have, things that we might never share), I have become more mature (a word we use to hide our teenage aspirations and dreams) and I have become more grounded (a word we use to hide the fact that life is no more exciting or interesting, it has downsized to just a fast pace local train). Nonetheless, these are valuable qualities to have in this day and age. And even with all these “qualities” that I have gained, I lament the loss of the vigour I had when I used to write. Like millions, I have also succumbed to the middle class/ working class life. I work, I eat, I sometimes play but that's about it. However, I am not writing to depress the readers or to vent out ( that might have been the original plan a month back), I am writing because I want to share something amazing that has happened with me.

The past month has been one of the best times of my life, not only because I had an amazing holiday where I got to see some of the most beautiful cities of Europe, but also because I have consciously taken a decision to take control of my life. This has made me think positively about the future and I have a feeling that things are going to remain like this. I ll be happier, because I have realised that my happiness is in my own hands - I am the creator of my own happiness. My happiness does not depend on whether I went for a holiday or whether I have a better phone or a better car, it all comes from within and from the feeling of being complete from within. (Too deep? Well keep reading, if you think you are not happy )

The past one year, I wasn't myself, I had a really stressful time at work and I made that affect my personality and therefore my choices. At work because I was overloaded, I did not pay attention to myself, I just kept on trying harder and harder to impress my boss, to impress my colleagues under the fear of being judged as a woman (I confess to my strong belief system that the society has instilled in me). I got so much influenced by all this that soon I found myself under a vicious cycle. The more long hours I worked, the more I got stressed, the more stressed I was the more careless mistakes I would make and the more mistakes I made the more stressed I would get. I was letting my work define my identity. This attitude to life was taking a toll on me. Until, one day I stopped to look at where my life was going. I wasn’t happy. I had a spiritual epiphany - I was trying to find happiness in my work and in impressing people because I thought that how others look at me will make me happy. I was trying to control the external situations assuming that, that would bring internal happiness. This happiness that I was searching everywhere was actually always within me. I was letting all the external influences overpower my internal bliss. And all it was doing was leading to a chain reaction of unpleasant things happening. So I decided to stop this, not stop working hard but to stop and manage the stress. Letting my mind rest by thinking positive things and not letting others’ opinion be my idea of happiness. I started keeping about 5 minutes to myself in the morning, telling myself that I don't need others approval to be happy, I am happy. Slowly, I saw changes happening in my life, it was almost as if my positive energy was being absorbed by everything around me and more so it was getting back to me. Its true, what u give, so shall you receive. Because of my positive thinking, positive things were happening to me everyday. I could concentrate on my work better, I was no more in the fear of losing this happiness because of some silly mistakes I might make in office or of what people might think of me. I was feeling  happy from within. And guess what, I wasn't making any silly mistakes at all. I was feeling complete. The key was to introspect who you are. You are unique and you have your own identity, don't try changing others and also don't let yourself be judged by others. Maybe it was because of that positive aura that what started as a write-up to vent my sorrows a month back today could be completed with a happier ending and even with a note of inspiration  for others like me. I think I can write :)